YUM YUM HK DINER
YUM YUM H K DINER
April 2011
Ho Fun. If these words appeared together in a Hip Hop song they would take on a completely different meaning. However on a Chinese menu, expect those big fat slurpy rice noodles that I absolutely adore, and as long as you avoid mental images of cut up tape worms, I see no reason why the whole world shouldn’t love Ho Fun. YUM YUM HK DINER does in my opinion the best Beef Ho Fun in Scotland the tender slithers of beef are stir fried with tender Chinese leaves and the thick smothering brown gravy is wonderful a perfect balance of oriental flavours.
The Yum Yum menu is crazy Chinese authentic, congee, fish balls, tripe’s and ox-tendon and the place is packed with oriental students, the prices are very affordable. The dining area is long and narrow with low tables and stools, designed for a quick bite to eat rather than a long stay, the low stools are ok for wee legged folk like myself , I would maybe think twice about bringing any lanky amigos. This is definitely the place for a crouch down quick bite rather than a celebration meal. At the end of the dining room is an open plan kitchen where you can glance upon the frantic high octane stir frying and the chopping of cleavers. Finished dishes and take-away bags fly from the kitchen at an amazing pace.
There are a few dishes that use coca cola to enhance the flavour, the coke flavoured ribs are amazing. They also specialize in slow cooked pork belly, beef shank and trotters, that are served over steamed rice with this wonderful gravy that I assume from the depth of flavour derives from the meat stock from all the slow simmering that goes on in this totally authentic little joint. The beef curry using slow cooked Flank is other worldly. One complaint, the bubble drinks are of the pre-made plastic carton variety, stick to tea or coke. This is another amazingly authentic Family run diner, slightly out of the way on a back Southside Street. Note to oneself, must go time and time again.
IMPERIAL PALACE
IMPERIAL PALACE
36 INGLIS GREEN ROAD
EDINBURGH
April 2011
In the section of Longstone between the Viaduct and the Bus Terminus, just after the abandoned B&Q warehouse, amongst a plethora of Arthur Daly style car Dealerships is a big Chinese grocer called Mathew Foods. And you know you’re there for the building looks Chinese and has two welcoming Dragons sat outside the doors to the upstairs Imperial Palace restaurant.
The dining room is a massive red carpeted room and must seat several hundred I popped in to try the Dim Sum menu 12noon- 6pm only, one Tuesday afternoon about 6 month ago and the place was packed with Chinese families.
This time around I brought Dim Sum lover Rhoda and though less packed than before, there was still about 30 folk mainly oriental and a smattering of Johnnies, taking advantage of the unbeatable £6.95 lunch deal. The Dim Sum menu comes in the form of a sheet of A4 with names of dishes prices and a tick box you simply tick your choices and hand the form to a passing waiter and sometime soon stacked steamer baskets of your choice will arrive. The menu is split into STEAMED DUMPLINGS, FRIED DUMPLINGS, CHEUNG FUN, which I like to describe as enchilada dumplings. There is also POT RICE and a HO FUN AND NOODLE and CONGEE section.
We tick some from each section King prawn, pork and crab, steamed dumplings, savoury meat croquet and Squid cake from the fried section and salted fish with pork mince from the Pot Rice section .
The amazing thing about most of this food in the authenticity and freshness given the popularity with the Chinese community all the Dumplings turnaround quickly and the seafood ones in particular taste very fresh and homemade. Cheung Fun, what the fucks that? I suspect you’re wondering. If you take a similar and slightly more gelatinous dough to the one used for making steamed dumplings and roll it pancake style around your filling well that’s Cheung Fun and I recommend you tick the box, our scallop and chive version turns out to be the best dish and most of the steamed Dumpling is very impressive. The Pot rice was pretty good and neighbouring tables’ noodles looked amazing. This is definitely off the beaten track, almost the outskirts, where the buses sleep, so if you find yourself there any afternoon be sure to order a tower of steamed dumplings, there possibly the best in Embrae.
THE WING SING INN
THE WING SING INN
DUNDEE TERRACE
EDINBURGH
March 2011
It’s often said of Chinese restaurants, that when full of Chinese customers, that this is a sign that the joint is excellent, authentic, top notch grub and the Wing Sing Inn is certainly always packed with Chinese folk. It can be very frustrating for us eager culturally aware Johnnies to enter a Chinese place and be handed a menu full of the usual westernized options when you can see groups of Chinese folk slurping down some amazing looking stuff that seems so out of reach, not offered to you. At the Wing Sing Inn there is only one menu. Some authentic gloopy soups that you may already know and enjoy a Kickshaw section of cold Deli dishes that you probably wouldn’t dare order, like shredded pig maw or beef tripe in chili oil or how about some jellyfish with cabbage in garlic sauce. There’s a totally authentic meat and fish section, some dishes you’ll be familiar with by name only, they taste much better when authentic an amazing vegetable section with lots of greens and tofu and a miscellaneous section with rice, noodles and dumplings including what I consider their house specialty, the Guotie (pan fried meat dumplings), there’s also a western taste section including the stuff we Johnnies normally get from the takeaway, curries, sweet and sour etc. no omelets or chicken Maryland though, so don’t take your fussy mother or gran or anyone else that requires omelet and chips. My dinning compadre for the night, fitness expert, long term friend and someone I like to talk a serious amount of shite too, Ian Bell (no relation) oh he’s also a pretty damn fine oriental cook. My favourite repetitive joke is to ask Ian if he’s still considering my business offer to host with him a fitness club, where we recruit a bunch of flabby Marchmont mothers and put them through the paces by chasing them around the meadows bare chested us not them, using live ammunition, our only outfit a pair of faded Wrangler skinners, the club is to be called RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. We arrive at the Wing Sing Inn very excited, I carried out a recky on the place several weeks ago by ordering some takeaway. Szechuan Chicken some Soups and Beef with Bean and Black Pepper, an unbelievable taste sensation and very different from any Chinese in Edinburgh. The dining room is bright and white, soft cream walls ironed white table cloths, it has a certain simple elegance, we are welcomed and shown to our tables and handed what has to be the funkiest oriental menu in Scotland. Heart, lung, tripe, jelly fish, intestine and some more familiar sounding dishes. And the Fish section is packed with stuff like Razor Clams, Whelks, Squid and Crab. We ask some advice explaining the adventurous nature of our tastes with a slight nervousness about offal and come up with the following choices. Golden fried Squid in a wet sauce, Guotie (pan fried dumplings), Green Beans fried with Pork Mince and Pork meat in chili oil. The Squid arrives first, quickly followed by the fried rice and green beans. The squid is amazing, sizzling crunchy and somehow the tasty sauce doesn’t make the batter soggy, the beans are also super crunchy the pork mince adding texture with delicious seasoning adding a vaguely oriental flavour. The oddest of our choices arrive a steaming bowl of soup with a flotsam of chili and Szechuan pepper corns, which you delve to what lies beneath using a little wire sieve, pulling out pieces of pressed pork, bean sprouts, and a mixture of other vegetables and herbs, the inclusion of some chilies and peppercorns is unavoidable though the quantity is entirely up to you. The dish makes an amazingly flavoursome topping for the fried rice just avoid overdoing the seriously overpowering peppercorns. Ian arrives back from the toilet just as the Goutie arrives a group of little pan fried Taco shaped dumplings, that have been joined as one in the process of frying and are presented in a pan shaped union, though each dumpling still an entity, when you break through the thin starchy skin that joins them. Initially the accompanying dip tastes really sour and odd but it does contrast with the flavours of the dumplings and once my palate has adjusted seems almost acceptable. “My god, I don’t believe this” Ian hollers as he fishes something from the soup, he quickly folds whatever he has removed into a napkin. He looks white and shocked and starts acting very strange indeed. The young Chinese brother and sister that cover front of house come running to our table, they are concerned. Ian assures them that everything’s ok but they know it isn’t. I know, his behaviour is odd he’s acting really pissed off, embarrassed and we have both stopped eating and when our concerned waiting staff are out of view and earshot. He slowly unfolds the napkin while muttering in disgust “you’re not going to believe what I’ve just fished out of that soup”. Now it’s my turn to act odd. What he shows me briefly with a little tinkle of a bell is a small section of a cat’s collar, stained with chilli and grease from the soup. As I register what lies before me and all the possibilities like little doors opening and shutting in my mind, for what seems like hours but is actually an uncomfortable minute I come to the realization that he’s taking the piss. The evening before April fool’s day as we both nervously chomp our way through unfamiliar food in an unfamiliar Restaurant. He pulls a stunt like that. Any doubt of this being anything other than a piss take disappear as Ian, calls the girl back to the table and orders stir fried beef with cumin and like all the other dishes, packed with flavour, the meat is melt in the mouth tender. There are some fine skills on display at the Wing Sing Inn and a very brave menu. Perhaps when I return I’ll have enough courage to try the shredded pig maw or the Jellyfish with cabbage and garlic or perhaps something even more exotic. OH, by the way the section of cat collar turned up in my coat pocket two weeks later as I pulled out a napkin to blow ma nose confirming once and for all cheeky Chookies masterfully executed practical joke.
THE VILLAGE CURRY HOUSE (RESTROSPECTIVE REVIEW)
THE VILLAGE CURRYHOUSE (RETROSPECTIVE REVIEW) March 2011
PROBABLY THE BEST NIGHT OUT IN MY LIFE SO FAR
“The Village, you must go to the Village”. When I opened the Glasgow shop 10 years ago, I constantly heard this statement. So when the LIST magazine sent myself and the then food editor Barry Shelby ( currently being burnt alive inside a wicker man somewhere in the Hebrides), I was ecstatic and so as it turned out was the Village Curry House, that year they ran away with the LIST’S best budget Restaurant of the year.
Fast forward a few years to, probably the best night of my life so far. Me and big Jesmo finished our shift at Lupe Glasgow and headed to the Horseshoe bar in the centre, sank a few pints and meandered across the bridge to Tradestown an area famed for Fireplace salesrooms, warehousing and office supplies. When you get to the other side of the bridge at night and start wandering past pitch black industrial monstrosities, empty car parks, the constant rustle of witches knickers, plastic bags trapped for a lifetime on barbed wire, howling like werewolves or stray dogs. Panic sets in. This looks like a great place for gangland beating or worse still alien abduction. Persevere and turn a few corners and like a neon lit oasis in a world of no hope and darkness.
THE VILLAGE and it’s packed on a Sunday night, the Takeaway queue is 10 deep and luckily I phoned ahead for a table, the place is buzzing. We order a curry each and some nans a couple of mango lassis to put a lining on our stomachs for the astronomical amount of drink we will consume in approximately an hour. The curries are out of this world, perhaps were getting abducted after all , the nans are light as a feather, all our fellow diners are delighted, the place is oozing warmth, a difficult place to leave but leave we must, for we must rock.
How about this for a gig, a Rock and Roll Combo in the style of Surf guitar instrumentals warring all black, their faces disguised behind Mexican Wrestlers masks, are about to play The Grand Ole Opry
Country and Western club in Glasgow. Our pace quickens, we pass another office supply warehouse, just down the road from an Italian furniture shop where Elvis would furnish his Southside mansion if he were still alive and living in Glasgow.
The Grand Ole Opry is where all the country and western fans hang out, many dress in cowboy gear, hold fake shoot outs and you can say what you want about that, I think they have a damn fine taste in music, and we and a whole bunch of other strangers were welcomed warmly into their strange domain, and the beer is social club prices so yeeha and down the neck with a few lagers.
The lights dim and if my very poor Spanish serves me rightly a machine gun speed announcement along the lines of Ladies and Gentlemen all the way from Los Angeles, California will you please put your hands together for that unique rock and roll combo. LOS STRAIGHTJACKETS. The lights come on revealing 4 masked musicians.The band burst into life, playing their amazing high speed surf style guitar instrumentals. It takes about four songs for the small dance floor to fill completely but by the time they start on their version of a Link Wray classic there are two lines of Cowboys sequence dancing and a bunch of lads and lassies twisting and jiving and that’s enough to get me up for a bit of leg trembling and quiff thrashing. The Spanish announcements continue throughout the set of amazing Rock and roll instrumentals and the masked men start doing some spectacular Shadow style moves that send the audience into fits of hysteria. All this is done in the front of the back drop of a cowboy prairie and all too soon a door opens next to the cactus and the band disappear, leaving the audience astounded.
The chances of a band of masked rockers ever playing at Glasgow’s Grand Ole Opry again seems a bit unlikely. Still, there’s always The Village Curry House.
LE MOUTON NOIR
A good customer recommended a new venture Bia Bistrot up by holy corner, run by a husband and wife. The menu looks great, the chef has worked in Ramsay’s in New York and I want to try them, love their food and give them some encouragement. Whether they know this or not they have opened in a desperately difficult site, a black hole where restaurants disappear never to be seen again. Many a good operator, some established elsewhere have tried and failed at this site and of course there was The Beef Encounter, a steakhouse that by name alone was destined to fail. Only the most idiotic of men would consider taking a first date or celebrating that special anniversary to a place named so. They may as well have called the place The Fanny Fart Café.
I have suffered this week from a recurring dream involving the application of a hair restoring mouse which works perfectly, enriching my middle aged hair and filling out those thinning bits. One morning I actually made it all the way to the bathroom mirror, started applying gel and sculpting the newly restored hair into the wonderful quiff I was so proud of back in New Orleans some 20 years past. Then I woke up still in bed. The dreams were of course a direct result of my immanent 49th birthday.
RUMOURS ( REVIEW)
FEBUARY 2011
25 BATH ST
GLASGOW
There was a time back in the eighties where every Scottish town boasted a flash discotheque, each Friday night lassies with white mini skirts and corn beef legs would pile in hoping to secure a lovely bloke with a tight perm and a steady job. Chances are those palaces of virtue went by the name of RUMOURS or occasionally Reflections but nearly always Rumours. .
What do I know of this place? Whispers from the trade tell me that the guys behind this pristine Malaysian café were associated with Glasgow cult favourite and late night dining joint Asia style, a breakaway brigade, a lone chef who struck it lucky at the casino, a feuding cousin that set up in opposition, all irrelevant chitter chatter, and those other Tid Bits of customer gossip, “ they do the best bubble drinks in Glasgow”, “there soft shell crabs are to maim for”, “they do a remarkable lunch for £6.95”. Rumours turns out to be an appropriate name after all.
KIM’S MINI MEALS (REVIEW)
FEBUARY 2011
5 Buccleuch Street
Edinburgh
This place looks like a wee Scottish tea room from the outside, net curtains, tea pots and plants in the window. On second glance however, the place becomes a little more intriguing, hints of the orient, Beef Bulgogi and Kimchi on the menu, mmm must go.
I set off on my Jack Jones, on a Thursday afternoon, the only sunny day this February, with one thing on my mind. Who is this Kim and why are her meals small? Nobody has recommended it, not even a whisper, I’m still a bit sore about Kebabish, I got that one wrong and blew £55.00 of my family’s disposable income. It’s a lone lunch for me, if I get this one wrong there’s only £10.00 at stake plus another dent to that instinct I’m so proud of.
To my surprise, the place is packed, sure there’s only 16 visible seats, and most of them are taken by oriental young couples plus a couple of tokes, those who dare win, type students confidently chop sticking their way through impressive looking plates of food .
KEBABISH ORIGINAL( REVIEW)
Dalry Road
Edinburgh
There’s been a lot of programmes on service recently. Mary Portas' dissection of the high Street shopping experience. Michael Roux’s excellent attempt at teaching some novice young folk the ways of the service industry at the highest level. I myself have been in the front line of service for 20 years, I try my best to inform, educate, and serve my customers. I try and have a bit of a laugh with customers and I also get it drastically wrong on occasion. On Saturday the shop was mobbed, by late afternoon my man flu and excessive work had taken it’s toll and I had a bit of a grump on. A very good long term and at times slightly annoying customer, starting moving goods that I had rung through the till back to the position where the still to be charged goods were, not deliberately, she was just being a bit dippy, and I scolded “back off a minute” finished the transaction and attempted a smile. It wasn’t good, I should have apologised, made a joke left the customer smiling, alas I did not. I screwed up sorry.